The following is a re-posting of an original article written for The Hockey Writers. Here's the original posting.
This post continues my ongoing scapegoating
for teams eliminated in the 2013 playoffs. Check out my previous posts on whom
I blame respectively for the Leafs' and the Rangers' elimination.
When the expansion franchise in San Jose was
looking for a nickname, they settled on "Sharks" because, according to
Matt Levine (the team's head of marketing), "Sharks are
relentless, determined . . . and fearless." The new franchise was
committed to building "an organization that has all those qualities."
Unfortunately, before the organization even
iced its first shiver (group of sharks), a fifth column was already undermining
the team's chances to win by attacking its very talisman of strength: the shark
itself.
Fifth columns (organizations that undermine a
city or other type of collective from within) typically work through secrecy.
For example, the various British and American scientists-turned-spies who
leaked valuable information to the Soviets, which resulted in the U.S.S.R.
becoming a nuclear power, used various tactics to conceal their acts of espionage.
Well,
there is one exception: an American vigilante and amateur photographer who
couldn't turn down the following photo op.
As a frequently-broke student with access to experimental nuclear
facilities, it seems that Spidey had all the reasons and resources to sell
secrets to the Soviets in order to pay his tuition.
Like Spider-man, the fifth column
dedicated to destroying San Jose's team does not work in secrecy. The Discovery
Channel is not only a prominent cable channel but one that makes its subversive
agenda plain. Indeed, it actively advertises activities that are detrimental to
San Jose's franchise. If you search for "Shark Week" on
Wikipedia, you'll get a page that discloses the Discovery Channel's intention
behind this annual celebration of toothy fish.
According to this page,
"Shark Week was originally developed to raise awareness and
respect for sharks."
Respect? The only respect that San Jose's
team wants you to pay to Sharks involves acknowledging their physical
superiority when you find yourself to be the main course at your last meal. In
terms of hockey, the only respect that the San Jose seeks comes in the form of
their rivals' shedding the bitter tears of the deepest despair when they lose
in their own barn and have to watch the Sharks hoist the Stanley Cup.
As for awareness, what the Discovery Channel
really means is blatant emasculation. If you haven't watched Shark Week, let me
summarize the introduction and conclusion voice-overs for virtually every
program aired in this festival of fierce fins: "Sharks are often
misunderstood as vicious man-eaters on account of their portrayals in movies
such as Jaws. In actuality, the number of deaths each year in
America attributed to sharks is negligible. And the records of such encounters
show a decrease in incidents as the public becomes more aware of how to keep a
respectful distance from these misunderstood predators."
So, in rehabilitating sharks in general, the
Discovery Channel has rendered San Jose's team laughable by presenting their
namesake as a precious little snowflake that needs to be given its space
because feelings.
Even more detrimental is the annual special's focus on identifying the many types of sharks that are
facing extinction. It won't be long until they include Joe Thornton and Patrick
Marlowe to the list of Sharks that might disappear from the San Francisco Bay
Area forever. After that, the Discovery Channel might as well air a documentary
arguing that, based on the depletion of team morale, San Jose's franchise
should be declared an endangered species.
In some ways, San
Jose should blame itself for its misfortunes. Their chosen nickname would have
worked better if their main rival was the (now defunct) California Golden
Seals. If the Seals were still around, the Sharks could launch a media blitz
demonstrating their own team's inherent superiority through clips from the
documentary series Plant Earth that show
sharks dominating seals.
Instead, the LA Kings rule California, and
the Anaheim Ducks quack derisively at their supposedly ferocious geographical
rival. Both teams seem confident that the Sharks--true to their own logo--bite
off more than they can chew by getting into and (fittingly enough) tanking in
the postseason nearly every spring.
Even Steven
Spielberg, whose movie Jaws ingrained the popular
misconception of Sharks as ruthless man-eaters into North America' pop-cultural
psyche, now openly taunts sharks.
Pictured: Spielberg lounges in a shark's mouth knowing that the
supposedly fearsome fish doesn't have any more ability to bite back than San
Jose's team does when trailing by two goals in an elimination game.
What's worse, I've heard rumours that the Discovery Channel is
developing its own version of NHL
24/7. The proposed series will profile the San Jose Sharks in the
regular season and playoffs in order to dispel the notion that the
franchise--although it often appears dangerous in the regular season--does not
pose a significant threat to cup contenders in the postseason.
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