Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Mick versus Quick: How the Rolling Stones Rocked the LA Kings out of Stanley Cup Contention

I've modified this article, originally posted by The Hockey Writers, to include bonus tracks! Check out two new Rolling Stones parodies at the end of this post.

The scapegoat most blameworthy for the elimination of the LA Kings from the 2013 Stanley Cup Playoffs is perhaps the most unlikely candidate: The Rolling Stones.

The Stones played three sold-out shows in Chicago on 28 and 31 May as well as 3 June. For the LA Kings, the Stones took playing sold-out shows to a new level as they used Chicago's playoff fever to revise some of their hit songs into anthems for the Chicago Blackhawks.

Of course, to be fair, Mick Jagger has been a diehard Blackhawks fanatic since they won the Stanley Cup in 1934. That's almost as long as Vince Vaughn has been a fan.

Here are three examples of songs that the Stones altered to torment the LA Kings and motivate the Blackhawks to oust the 2012 Stanley Cup Champions from playoff contention.

1. (Kings Can't Get No) Satisfaction

Kings can't get no satisfaction.
Kings won't be a repeat faction.
Sure they try, and they try, and they try, and they try.
They won't get no, They won't get no

When I'm drivin' in my car;
With Ray Ferraro on the radio.
He's tellin' me more and more
About some useless information
On Quick's Conn Smythe accreditation.

Quick won't get no, oh no, no, no
Hey hey hey, that's what I say.

Quick won't get no satisfaction.
Kings won't get no Stanley action.
Sure he'll try, and he'll try, and he'll try and he'll try
He won't get no; he won't get no.

When I'm watchin' my T.V.
And Ron MacLean comes on to tell me
Just how high he rates Doughty
But he can't be that great 'cause he doesn't block
As many shots as Duncan Keith.
He won't get no, oh no, no, no
Hey hey hey, that's what I say

When I'm ridin' round the world
And I'm singin' this and I'm signin' that
And I'm tryin' to tell some girl
That she better not come back till later next week
'Cause the Kings are on a losing streak
They won't can't get no, oh no, no, no
Hey hey hey, that's what I say

Kings won't get no Stanley action.
They won't be a repeat faction.

(BridgetDS/Flickr)

2. Anze (Based on "Angie")

Anze, An-ze, when will your playoffs disappear?
Anze, An-ze, Where will your summer go from here?
Well you're scoring very low, one assist and one lone goal;
You can't say you're satisfied.

But Anze, An-ze they can't say you never tried.
Anze, you're wonderful, but ain't it time we said goodbye?

Oh, Anze, don't you weep, your highlight reel was pretty sweet
Till that luck was struck out of your stride.
But Anze, I won't call you lazy.
Your compete level won't receive the blame.
There ain't a centre who comes close to you
'Cept for maybe Toews, and Shaw and Kane.

But Anze, An-ze ain't it good to say goodbye?
Anze, An-ze, they can't say you never tried.

(Rob Grabowski-USA Today Sports)

3. Goalie's Little Helper ("Mother's Little Helper")

What a drag it is getting owned.

"Things are different today,"
I hear Jonathan Quick say.
Quick needs relief these days to calm him down.
And after speaking broken French,
He forces Bernier from the bench.
Quick goes running for the shelter of his goalie's little helper.
Bernier helps him look away from a lousy losing game. 

"Things are different today,"
I hear ev'ry player say.
Blocking shots for a flailing goalie's just a drag.
Quick fans on an easy clear, and the Kings' lead disappears.
Quick goes calling for the shelter of his goalie's little helper
To relive him in the game, help him share in taking blame.

Sutter, please, relieve the crease.
In game four, Quick allowed three more.

What a drag it is getting owned.

"The Kings just aren't the same today,"
I hear other players say.
The defence don't understand that Quick gets tired.
They make so many give aways, and so few that Quick can save.
Then he goes running for the shelter of his goalie's little helper;
Bernier helps out the Kings' plight by letting none in on the night.

Sutter, please, defend the crease.
The Kings can't score four goals or more.

What a drag it is getting owned.

"Hockey's much too hard today,"
I hear LA's forwards say.
The pursuit of Stanley Cups just seems a bore.
After stealing one of four, the Kings won't win games anymore.
No more running for the shelter of their goalie's little helper
Who helped them on their way through their cup run's dying day. 
  
BONUS TRACKS

4. “The Last Time”

(With the Blackhawks taking a 3-1 series lead over the LA Kings, the Rolling Stones released this song ahead of the fifth and final game, in which Patrick Kane’s hat trick would dash the Kings’ hopes of becoming to first team to win back-to-back cups since the 1997 Detroit Red Wings)

Well we beat you once and we beat you twice,
And you didn’t learn, so we beat you thrice.
You don’t try very hard to beat me.
And with your lineup that should be easy.

Well this could be the last time.
This could be the last time.
Maybe the last time,
I don't know. Oh no.

Sorry Quick but you can’t make saves.
Playin’ like you do these days.
The net used in your final game.
Should read “property of Patrick Kane.”

Well this could be the last time
This could be the last time
Maybe the last time
I don't know. Oh no.

Well I beat you once then I beat you thrice,
But it hasn’t seemed to make you wise.
Now here’s a chance to save your pride.
By taking our last game to overtime.

Well this could be the last time
This could be the last time
Maybe the last time
I don't know. Oh no.

5. “Nineteenth Blueline Breakdown” (Based on “19th Nervous Breakdown”)

(Shortly before the Stanley Cup Finals began, the Stones felt enough time had passed to poke fun at the Toronto Maple Leafs for the disastrous conclusion of their first playoff appearance in nearly a decade. The Stones didn’t pull any punches in letting the Blue-and-White know that they haven’t always been stellar over the decades since their last Stanley Cup victory in 1967.)

You’re the type of team whose self-esteem comes from undeserved fanfare. 
Hockey's richest team, your playoff dreams are still stuck in disrepair. 
'Cause it seems to me that Reimer's seen too much in too few years.
And though you've fought, it's all for naught: 
Game seven will end in tears.

You better stop.
Look around.
Here it comes. Here it comes! Here it comes!! Here it comes!!!
Here comes your nineteenth blueline breakdown.

Since you last contended,
You've been too contented
With icing mediocre teams. 
You slept on the laurels of bygone goals
To get you through the night.
Past GMs who neglected you balked at building through the draft.
And Raycroft was all you got for trading Tuukka Rask.

You better stop; look around.
Here it comes. Here it comes! Here it comes!! Here it comes!!!
Here comes your nineteenth blueline breakdown.

Oh, who's to blame? 
Phaneuf’s gone insane. 
Nothing O’Byrne does seems to work.
His positioning only makes matters worse.

You were in a playoff drought when you figured out
You had to spend within the cap.
But even after that you never turned your back
On letting free agents rob you blind.
In Burke’s first year he tried so hard to rearrange your lines,
But after a while he realized that you just weren’t the playoff kind.

You better stop; look around
Here it comes. Here it comes! Here it comes!! Here it comes!!!
Here comes your nineteenth blueline breakdown.
Here comes your nineteenth blueline breakdown.
Here comes your nineteenth blueline breakdown.
  

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